Monday, March 19, 2012

If you ask me how I'm beautiful, this is what I'ed say.

I am self-conscious. I feel judged by others with everything I do. I sometimes am scared when I think about the future. Sometimes I tell myself I don’t want to be with anyone and would rather just end up alone. Other times I’m scared to death of the idea. I complain, I stress, and I strive for perfection knowing full well it doesn’t exist. I can be loud, opinionated, caring, optimistic, and pessimistic all at the time same. I sometimes feel unworthy. I sometimes doubt myself. I try not to be quick to judge but I’m only human. I’ve lost people I care about. I’ve been let down. I’m easily offended and my feelings get hurt a lot, but I never let people know. I can usually be found wearing a smile, even when I’m not happy. I haven’t forgotten where I’ve come from or ever wished I could change it. I’m guilty of being jealous of other people. I have been proud when I shouldn’t have. I’ve hurt people on purpose before. I can be bitter, cold, and unforgiving sometimes. I’ve never claimed to be perfect and I haven’t always stood up for myself. I sometimes can’t sleep because of nightmares. I’ve always love the way words can paint a picture if laid in the right order. I spend most of my time to myself and sometimes I can be shy. I don’t always feel comfortable. I judge myself more than anyone else ever has. I don’t take criticism well but I do learn from it. I am nervous about everything and often give myself butterflies even when it’s something I’ve done a million times. I’ll only cry if I’m alone and I won’t tell people if it happens. I don’t sleep enough and sometimes I can be very unproductive. I doubt myself and I feel like my opinions don’t matter, but I’ll say them anyway. In emergency situations I’m always fast to act and help in whatever way I can, but as soon as everything is fine and I am alone I will have a breakdown and need to be in a ball and cry. I’ve been broken down and felt like I was at the end of my rope but I’ve always gotten back up. I’ve fallen away from God and from my family before. I’ve pulled myself out from dark places. I’ve been humbled by God’s grace. I’ve had moments of weakness, lost hope, and I’ve been tired. I’m not perfect by any means. But someone still died for me to be here. Someone still gave his life for me to live this clumsy life. Someone still loved me enough to look past all my flaws and want nothing more than to have me forever. Before I was even born he had a plan for me, and now I’m just trying my best to follow him.


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